themonsterinmypocket

I don’t actually know how to start. My name is Evie, and I have a monster in my head.  I struggle with an eating disorder called Anorexia. I have the restrict/purge subtype of this illness, meaning I restrict my food, and I also purge it up. I’ve been struggling with this illness for the last 2 years now, which is nothing compared to some people who get it when they are way younger. I didn’t develop anorexia until I was 19. My eating disorder has his own name, Ed. You might be wondering why is your eating disorder a ‘him’ ? Well my only explanation for that one is that if Ed was a real person, he would be a man, because no women would put me through what Ed does. So there you go. Ed is a man. A very big red and black mean one, who lives rent free in my head. 

Here’s some backstory and information for you. Anorexia is a type of eating disorder in which patients typically restrict their food to the point of starvation and in some cases, death. Anorexia has a very big genetic component, which I describe as my switch. My mum also had anorexia when she was growing up. 

in March of 2024, I started a diet. Well not really, I just started cutting out fast foods and whatnot from my diet trying to eat healthier. Had nothing to do with my body at the time, just about the fact I was definitely abusing the Maccas app every day. Can’t be healthy for anyone really can it. Back story a little bit, for the christmas that had just passed (2023 xmas) I got given a book as a joke by my best friends boyfriend at the time. This book was called ‘how to loose 5kg in 5 weeks’ . Now when I got this, I just laughed and put it away and never thought of it again. However, when I started cutting out those foods and wanting to eat healthier, I found that book again. I opened it up, and this is when I discovered what a calorie was. Now at the grown age of 19, you might be wondering how the hell is she just now discovering what that is. Well I was blissfully unaware. Had no idea. Then, slowly over the next few days I started getting tiktok’s telling me about calories in different foods, and I started learning more about them. I would honestly say that if I didn’t have any social media at all, I never would have ended up in such a rabbit hole but regardless. I was becoming very aware of what I was eating all of a sudden. Then I started skipping lunch. I never really ate breakfast anyway, so that never really got skipped. I stopped eating lunch. Then I bought scales (terrible idea). Then I stopped eating foods that were higher in calorie. Then I completely stopped eating anything other than dinner. Long story short fast forward through time a bit, within 2 months I had lost 25kg.

I remember seeing my doctor for the first time again in August 2024, and she hadn’t seen me since Mayishhhh. The majority of the weight I lost was between june-july.  I immediately got referred to the eating disorders services, and realised I might have a problem. Until this point, I was blissfully unaware, I knew something was wrong and I felt ill and mentally exhausted, but I hadn’t quite clocked that I had developed a full blown eating disorder. A few weeks after that, I went back home to see my parents, and my mum was instantly horrified when she saw me. She pulled me away straight away and asked me what was going on. I told her I was completely fine, and was just losing weight in a healthy way, and that I was fine. She didn’t believe me, so to help her believe me I ate 3 meals a day in front of her for the time I was there, ton convince her everything was fine. In september 2024, I decided I wanted to try and start eating again. I did well for a few weeks, until I saw noticeable weight gain. Then I relapsed again in october of 2024. By the time christmas came around, I had lost all the weight again, and more. I went home for christmas and at this point my mum lost it. 

I remember this christmas so vividly, it was probably easily one of the worst days of my life. I bawled my eyes out and had a huge panic attack because mum was trying to get me to drink half a juice with her. Half. A small cup of juice. It took me 30 minutes to finish it. I went home after lunch, terrified my mum was going to try get me to eat more, I went home by myself on christmas day because I was scared of eating food. Now here comes January 2025. 

Last year. My dad was now in charge of me. Even though he lived 50 minutes away from me, for the next 4 months, almost every day he drove out to feed me, and drove home at night. He cooked every 3 of my meals, stayed with me while I ate and then supervised me after all the meals. He was too scared to leave me alone due to my state, and so my doctor put him in charge of my outpatient treatment. I finally got a call from SIEDs, mid jan. Telling me I was finally off the wait list and I could come in for an appointment. My first appointment was at the start of february, where I met my case manager. Now she was helpful and lovely, but at the time I was so in my head with Ed so in charge, nothing anyone could say would make me eat. But, after some time of my dad feeding me, and seeing a therapist I slowly started getting better again. But then my family moved away. To the other side of the world, and all of a sudden I was alone again. I relapsed immediately after they left, and lost even more weight. Now we are in June 2025, where I finally get hospitalised for the first time. I was in the ward for 2 months, and gained a good amount of weight. I hated it in there. I came out end of august, and was really trying to continue on my recovery. For about a couple weeks I was doing well,